an image depicting a woman typing at a laptop

The Death of Motivation

Where I've been since the pandemic

I’m not going to lie, the 1st lockdown was good for business everyone got behind the virtual meetings there was lots of work to do to ensure clients could still run their business and it was booming.

Fry from futurama holding out money

But then the 2nd lockdown hit now everyone had already updated their way of working and their tools during the 1st lockdown so I had nothing to do on that front, and everyone was now just keeping their business afloat we didn’t know how long it would last, no one trusted the buffoon in charge (he is/was a buffoon fight me) with the promises of the end to lockdown and the end of the pandemic.

Boris Johnson on a zip line

So I was doing much the same as everyone else and keeping the lights on, thankfully I ended up moving in with a friend (part of my support ‘bubble’ so no lockdown rules broken) which reduced my costs to live considerably and everything was just ticking along nicely.

It’s all too peopley..

People say you can be demotivated by loneliness.. not me I like being alone I can get things done without CONSTANT interruptions. I was demotivated by living with someone..

‘Would you like a cup of tea?’

An innocent question and you might think it would be nice to be asked.. but for the 15th fucking time in the morning when you are trying to code up a website it becomes a little annoying.

And when you have the audacity to respond a little sharply you get that hurt expression from the person asking the question ‘Well there’s no need to shout

I wasn’t shouting I just didn’t have my customer service voice on or smile at you like I love being asked that question (which I don’t when I’m trying to work).

Man bopping at desk with headphones on

Even having headphones on and bopping away while I was working didn’t stop it, at this point in time I was facing away from the door to my ‘office’ so loud music in my ears bopping away oblivious to everything but some ‘bangin’ tunes and the code on my screen (it’s my happy place) then the horror as I’m tapped on the shoulder to ask if I wanted a cup of fucking tea.

Captain Jack Sparrow Screaming

I’ve lived alone for over 10 years and I just forgot I now share space with someone other than a cat the terror of being tapped on the shoulder is real!

Getting back to ‘normal’

So the furlough ended and the housemate went back to work although part-time. Brilliant! I can get stuff done! Well, that’s a nope… It seems surviving the plague and not being killed by the panic attacks of being tapped on the shoulder did nothing for me.

I’ve since learnt I’m not the only ‘creative’ suffering this but getting back to normal meant a whole boatload of depression, self-doubt, anxiety and CBA syndrome. (that’s can’t be arsed if you didn’t know)

To be fair installing my TV and Xbox in my office probably wasn’t the best idea, but I’ve got nowhere else it can fit as I’m a size queen when it comes to TVs (bigger is definitely better) and no man’s sky looks so pretty on it..

Letterkenny residents saying to be fair

I had big ideas and then I would fall down a rabbit hole of researching and taking notes for days or weeks, only to doubt my idea and toss it in the bin..

Or worse I would fall down a TikTok rabbit hole of cats and cosplay

There and back again..

Eventually, I got used to living with someone again, the fact they are fully back at work and I have the place to myself all day REALLY helps, but I still couldn’t get anything done with my site or my services.  There was a glimmer of inspiration but zero motivation, so I took drastic action and turned my website off.

  • Reason 1 – I hated it.. it was no longer me it was cute, well mannered and didn’t swear, like the daughter I’m sure my mum would have preferred to have (I know she loves me but I do swear a lot).
  • Reason 2 – It wasn’t getting me noticed anyway, well not by the people I wanted to notice me (and I’m not talking about my k-drama and kpop idols) It was basically a spam trap for people trying to sell me SEO services or ‘performance enhancing’ pills.
  • Reason 3 – I wanted to change up my message and my offerings which just didn’t fit with the cutesy vibe.

So here we are brand new everything I like to imagine if my website had a smell it would be like a freshly unboxed motherboard (I’m sure at least a few of you know that delicious smell).

Expect more of me. I’m not some corporate business, I’m not even an agency. I’m a Company of One and I plan to stay that way, I don’t need the stress of being an employer, it’s enough work being the slave to 3 cats.

Hopefully, by being myself you will think ‘god I really want to work with her she sounds fun’ and if you do then you are the person I want to work with. (my mum thought this was hilarious so hopefully, there are people out there with the same sense of humour as us)

Excited Man Saying Yes

If you don’t think that then well I’m not the designer for you!

Author Headshot - Sam White
Sam White